I'm back...and I need to stay there

Hi Mom, I really want to come back to you but it just brings up so damn much. Not only sad, miserable painful stuff, but also some crazy beautiful memories. I'm not going to say much right now. Stu is sitting nearby to me talking on the phone with both his parents. He calls them every single Sunday at 11. I always remind him and sit in the background, eagerly listening....almost vicariously. And yet...and it's hard for me to even admit this, but... I'M SO ANGRY! I mean...Stu is almost 13 years older than me and he has both his freakin' parents. Of course I'm happy for him...AND for Pat...AND for Ronni and for all these other millions of people that have their parent/s. But I had the best one anyone ever had. You and I had the best most special relationship known to humans....and no one knows it but you and I. Now, around here on earth, it's just me knowing that. I mean, everyone knows we were "close" and it was a "special" relationship, but those are mere words that are meaningly and used so much with many. Only you and I know, Mom. And now, I think I have to get the hell outta here. Stu's parents went to a meeting on how to die...like a crematorium thing. I can't listen to this. More soon. Love you with everyone ounce, Nan